Going Back in Time – Continued

The reason I say “whatever love is,” is because nobody can really define love. For women it is romantic, poetic, and a fairy tale. Very few men – perhaps 80% of men – really do not “love.” Men are designed to procreate, and for them the lovey dovey of “love” is sometimes non-existent. They just need to release, and love for them is not important. What is important is the release, and many men will use women to get that release. Women, of course, love the touching, holding, kissing etc. and do not realize that often the man they are with does not feel the same. Some men will say anything to get that release.

Neither Alan nor I are under the influence of whatever love is. We have a great personal friendship – an intimate relationship – but there is also an energy between the two of us which holds us together. Alan is the most wonderful, caring man I could ever wish for. My ex-husband was a caring man, but his heart was closed off, and it was purely a business relationship with occasional personal intimacy included. Although I had a lot of past-life energy to work out with Alan, it never took away that special feeling we have together. He is the most wonderful husband – attentive, caring, affectionate, and understanding. More than anything, he understands the work I do and has joined with me in it. I have a friend, brother, and lover all rolled into one, and sometimes even someone to advise me because I do not always have Maitreya near me to talk to about things, and it helps to be able to share with someone one’s ambitions and ideas. Astrologically also we are destined to be together. I believe Spirit saved the best until last, but a friend of mine said it is because Margaret has grown up and does not waste energy any more on mundane emotional issues. Whatever it is it works, and I know deep within myself that there is no other husband or other man for me in my life.

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Going Back in Time – Continued

The young woman whom I had given a reading was an incredibly sensitive young woman. She had needed to be held and loved, and when she had allowed someone to do that to her, she was “used,” in a way, and then discarded. I know, of course, that it was a past-life situation. Mine had also been a past-life situation, but it had not been easy for this very sensitive young woman, and she had done things similar to what I had done as a way of getting back. However, just like me, it did not serve a positive outcome; it rarely does.

In the last 42 years since my first daughter was born, I have had much opportunity to look at the way our emotions react and how we allow them to do so. We are all looking for love, every one of us. Some of us are lucky in that we get it from our parents. Others find a partner who feels the same way, but most of us live in relationships that are not two-sided. We stay in them for comfort, convenience, fear, but very rarely are we true to ourselves. As I aged, I came to the realization that I should have left my first husband 10 years prior to when I did. My second husband I should have parted 5 years before I left, but I did not do so because of fear. The first time I had young children. How would I cope? live? etc.? The second time I was comfortable. Everyone else could see the marriage was not working except me. However, it took 5 years for me to finally see it. With my second marriage there was no love really. It was a marriage of convenience, but I was so busy and so wrapped up in my life that it covered up the fact that there was no love. It is that also which often deceives us. We do not have love, so we work instead because it fills that hole which is waiting for something called love. With Alan, whatever love is, it is there and I no longer crave it.

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Going back in Time – Continued

It was only after the baby – a little girl – was born and I was in the hospital all alone that I began to become aware of my actions, what I had done, and how obsessive I had been. Whether it was Spirit or just my awareness that I created it I do not know, but I became aware of my need for affection and love. I looked back over the 5 years of being with Pete and came to the realization that I was the one who had pursued the whole affair. He was too weak to fight me or too frightened. I could not blame the baby and what happened to him; it was all my doing. I could have had an abortion, but no, I was going to make him suffer or want to be with me again. The moment I became aware of my own folly and of what I had done I was mortified. I felt ashamed, guilty, and after the adoption had taken place, I wrote him a long letter telling him I did not blame him. He wrote back and said he had to get married. Cathy, his girlfriend, was pregnant and basically he was, in a way, asking me to go back with him.

Of course, I didn’t. A year later I married the man who was in the army, but this time my relationship was different. When we were courting before we married, I did not allow myself to become obsessed with him. We wrote to each other for some time before we got married as he was overseas. I had grown enormously, and my life was different because of that growth. I was no longer desperate for love, but I was witnessing people around me who were. I could recognize their issues because of what I had gone through myself. Forty years later I was again looking at the same syndrome with the beautiful young woman sitting before me.

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Going Back in Time – Continued

Not only did I become obsessed with him, I could not let him go either. Our courtship – if you can call it that – was my making him feel guilty if he wanted to end the relationship. Year after year, we would break up and, for a few weeks, we would go our own way. But in my own way, I would make sure that I went where he was. I made myself look sweet and innocent – which was the kind of look he liked and which had attracted him to me in the first place. If I could not be where he was, I got friends who were there to talk about me. I clung to him, and he could not escape me. I never wondered if he was happy with me. I assume he was to a degree because he did stay with me, but I never thought it might be out of pity or because he felt guilty. I was wrapped up in my own obsession.

After a few weeks it had become a sexual relationship, and in that sexual side I found the love I had not received at home – which made me even more obsessed. The years went by, and one year I met another man during a time apart from Pete. I found another “soul mate,” but he was in the army and was away most of the year. Finally, after 5 years of courtship and my constant nagging for a ring on my finger, Pete bought me a necklace. It shut me up for a while, but I kept hoping. I could not see that I was really not happy. On one of our times apart he had gone out with someone else, and it made me so jealous of him. Thankfully, it did not last, but I became like a woman obsessed over this incident. Shortly after this, I found myself pregnant. I was 21 years of age and terrified. Of course, I thought “Now he will marry me.” I told him one night at a bus stop before going home as he kissed me goodnight. I have never seen anyone in such shock!

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Going Back in Time

Through my work I am constantly being confronted with memories and reminders of my past. One of my clients this week was a beautiful young woman who had been through a difficult time with a man she had a relationship with. She reminded me so much of myself at a certain time in my life, but it also brought home to me how emotional we are in our lives. I will call this person Mary for the sake of giving a name to her. She had been living with a flat mate and had a sexual relationship with him. They were not courting as such but, once it was over, he did not seem to want to know her anymore. She, in turn, became obsessed over him, so obsessed that she did some terrible things to him. He, in turn, thought she was mentally ill which, of course, she was not, but because she was so upset over his treatment of her, her only thought was to hurt him.

As I was talking to her, I was taken back over 40 years to an experience of my own. I had been going out with my boyfriend for 5 years. Looking back, how we lasted 5 years I honestly do not know. I was a very insecure woman in my teens and I met him when I was 16. I got no love at home and had been brought up with a father who told me constantly that I was stupid, a thickhead, a block head, and other such names. I bit my nails, hardly spoke to anyone, and because I hated myself, I was a “cutter.” I cut myself on my body as if to make myself more ugly! I met Pete (his name) and, from the first date, it was so amazing because he was just so wonderful. I received no love at home and never had but, from the moment Pete put his arms around me, I felt protected and wonderful. This was it, I told myself. My whole life revolved around him and, after a few weeks, I became obsessed with him.

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