Going back in Time – Continued

It was only after the baby – a little girl – was born and I was in the hospital all alone that I began to become aware of my actions, what I had done, and how obsessive I had been. Whether it was Spirit or just my awareness that I created it I do not know, but I became aware of my need for affection and love. I looked back over the 5 years of being with Pete and came to the realization that I was the one who had pursued the whole affair. He was too weak to fight me or too frightened. I could not blame the baby and what happened to him; it was all my doing. I could have had an abortion, but no, I was going to make him suffer or want to be with me again. The moment I became aware of my own folly and of what I had done I was mortified. I felt ashamed, guilty, and after the adoption had taken place, I wrote him a long letter telling him I did not blame him. He wrote back and said he had to get married. Cathy, his girlfriend, was pregnant and basically he was, in a way, asking me to go back with him.

Of course, I didn’t. A year later I married the man who was in the army, but this time my relationship was different. When we were courting before we married, I did not allow myself to become obsessed with him. We wrote to each other for some time before we got married as he was overseas. I had grown enormously, and my life was different because of that growth. I was no longer desperate for love, but I was witnessing people around me who were. I could recognize their issues because of what I had gone through myself. Forty years later I was again looking at the same syndrome with the beautiful young woman sitting before me.


Going Back in Time – Continued

When we met a few days later, he told me he wanted to end our relationship. He no longer wanted to go out with me and had, in fact, got another girlfriend! I was devastated. Forty-two years ago I was still so afraid of my father and mother finding out about my being pregnant. How was I going to deal with this? I was only eight weeks pregnant when I told Pete, and during the next week I found accommodation with a friend and moved out of my home, my parents not even knowing anything was wrong. After I left, I sent them a letter which apparently really affected both of them. Meanwhile, I was doing everything I could to be near or around Pete. I lived a fantasy where he would come back and apologize to me – beg for forgiveness – and we would be happy ever after. His new girlfriend was with him everywhere he went; it was difficult for me to see him with her. She could not have cared less about me or the fact that I was pregnant. She seemed to gloat that she now had my boyfriend.

One night I went out to a social gathering and he was there on his own, so I took a pint pot of beer and threw it over him. Then I walked out. It did not bring him back. In fact, as my pregnancy progressed, he wanted nothing to do with me. Neither did his large family whom I had known for the five years we were together. I had visited their home, eaten at their table, and attended many family gatherings. I had left my friend’s house and was living in an apartment in the hope he would come back, but it was a wasted effort. I was not focused on the baby, only on me and getting Pete back. I made a decision to have the baby adopted at birth. Forty-two years ago one could not raise a child alone, and I was alone. My parents came around in the end, but at the time they did not want me back home with or without a baby.