For the last few years my life has been pretty good. I have had the odd time when I have felt a little down, but most of the time life has been good for me and I have been happy. Both Peter and I have worked hard to clear away the blocks within us, and I for one felt I had cleared most of the stuff away. I was not prepared for what happened next!
Without warning, I became extremely depressed. I could not see anything in my future. The web site and the work I was doing on a metaphysical level gave me no pleasure, everything seemed cardboard to me, and even life itself and the few pleasures I enjoyed, were of no interest to me. I wanted to leave the spiritual arena, and as the weeks went by, I felt so strongly that I wanted to leave the Earth plane.
An associate bought me the Matthew books (www.matthewbooks.com) and reading the first book in the series of four, “Tell me about Heaven” reiterated how much I wanted to go home. For the first time I was reading about spirit, as I remembered it, and the desire to go home was so strong. I began to think I was going mad. Peter, my husband was so supportive and kept pointing out all the good things about our life. It made no difference, life as I knew it, I felt, was over. I just wanted to go home! This situation went on for weeks, I told very few people about my problem, feeling inside that I was failing, how could I teach people and feel like this? Then, feelings of insecurity came up, doubt, fear, I had dealt with all of these things over many years, why were they coming up again?
What was happening to me? The few friends I told wrote me emails and told me how important I was to them, and to the work. An astrologer friend whom I sent an email to, pointed out what was happening in my astrology. She gave me a lot of information astrologically, which did make sense and had to do with my second Chiron Return, and my South Node in the 10th house. I could see it, understand it, but did not know the reason for it being there. Still the depression continued. Finally a few days ago from writing this newsletter, I started to feel something moving inside of me. I had decided to not fight whatever it was, but just to let it come up. It was slow, and my patience was wearing thin, but it finally came out on a Sunday afternoon. What came out though surprised me so much, for it was not blocks of my own, but it came from my mother!!
As a reader/healer/teacher I often take on the conditions of my clients because they cannot release it themselves. I (and Peter also) become a surrogate for them to release their painful energy. It does not happen all of the time, but every now and again, someone cannot release it themselves and I find myself doing it for them. The Master has said this is a very special service, and not many are able to do it. The after effects of this are not pleasant, and when I say I cannot leave the house the next day because of bathroom visits, perhaps you will know what I mean!
As a child, I was extremely sensitive. My mother was a beautiful woman, but she was terribly unhappy, and with my own childhood being unhappy also, I never noticed my mother’s emotions and feelings. What came up that Sunday afternoon, was all of my mother’s unhappiness, so much of it, I could not believe so much was inside of me. As each thing came up and I released it, I was shown on an inner level where it came from regarding my mother and her life. It was so painful, and for the first time in my life I really felt for my mother, for her suffering, pain, and most of all, her loneliness.
Her loneliness was like a cavity inside of me that was never ending. I cried for my mother, and released her pain and suffering and loneliness. As I cried, I could feel a release so great, it was like a giant washing machine clearing me out! I slept that night like I have never slept before. The next day, I awoke with so much energy, I was dangerous! Since that night, my intuition, which was already good, has become even better. I have a peace I never knew existed and I had felt peace before.
Under all of my own blocks, for many years, was this energy from my mother! It was quite amazing. I wonder though how many other people are carrying around their mother and father’s blocks and negative feelings? I just thank God that I was able to experience it, I know it will help me enormously now in my teaching. Once again I have a vision again, I no longer want to leave the work, but am so grateful for the experience, and I hope somewhere, my mother, wherever she is, will feel the burden being lifted from her. it was such a burden.